Rambling: State of the Blog
I’m going to level with you. I didn’t ever intend this to be a weekly blog. My goal was monthly, and the fact that I’ve been able to post weekly speaks more to my hyperfocus lately than anything else. I even had some posts pre-written in case I got sick. Which I did. Last week’s post was the first of my “backlog” and I had one more ready to go, the beginning of my Younger Futhark series. However, I had one good day this week and got to writing the second in the series, and when I was done, the first post, which was supposed to be for today, seemed totally inadequate. I had hoped to be able to update it yesterday, but I got worse again and now… Now I have no post.
Unfortunately this is going to be a thing with this blog. I have a tendency to get sick or have flares pretty regularly, during which the brain fog can get so bad I can’t string together three coherent sentences.
So here’s my basic situation at the moment. Last week I had blood work to check my hormone levels since I’m post-menopausal. My testosterone was zero, my estrogen was near zero, and progesterone was low. What does this mean? Brain fog is high, energy is low, and so is motivation. Add to that, last week I caught a cold that somehow has a digestive component, that scared the crap out of me as I was concerned it was the parasite going around these days. The good news is that it’s not that; the bad news is that I might have more GI complications for my specialist to deal with. Yay.
So that’s where I’m at right now. My usual response to these times is dissociation. I have aphantasia and my primary sense is touch, so when I read a novel I am not seeing it take place in my mind’s eye, I am experiencing the story. To a lesser extent this can happen with some video games as well. And that’s where I’ve been these past two weeks: in either The Wandering Inn or Palworld.
I have a backlog of nonfiction I want to read, but the brain isn’t working well enough and with the medications I’m having to take, my memory is shot. There’s just no point. This is a problem I have all the time though - I often have to read something two or more times to remember it, and the rereads can’t be back to back. I also have to avoid doing things like the saga blitz I was on a couple years back, as I now have a strong feel for what life in Iceland was like during those times, but I lack any clear recollection of which story was which. This is exasperating, but it’s one of the joys of being a chronically ill Heathen. Then again, I get the benefit of being able to read things “for the first time” more than once, which is occasionally pretty cool. What isn’t cool is not remembering what I’ve written - I intended this to be my apology and heads up about my posting schedule, but I do not recall if I’ve already done that. That I have to go back and check my posts from two months ago because I don’t recall them… that’s concerning.
What are we if not our memories? Memory is very important to heathenry, as it is the basis of such things as reputation, which we all know is critical to the heathen mindset. Havamal 76-77 tell us:
“76. Cattle die, kinsmen die,
one dies oneself the same;
but reputation never dies
for whoever gets himself a good one.77. Cattle die, kinsmen die,
one dies oneself the same;
I know one thing that never dies:
the renown of every dead man.”
(Pettit, 2023)
Clearly reputation is an important thing, and what is that but the consensus of memories of a person? Which makes memory itself important. Add to this the emphasis on scholarship in Heathenry and it’s a double whammy: I don’t necessarily recall things I’ve said or done, nor do I necessarily remember the research that is generally my primary occupation.
How do you Heathen under these conditions? Well, this is why I set things up the way I did. Even at my worst, with the support of my staff I can stand at my altar for the 60 seconds it takes to make an offering. I try to use digital copies of my books so I can at least review my highlights and notes if I need to. Meditation may not always be possible, but I can at least pray. And this is why I’ve set my life up the way I have: I try to infuse the sacred into everything I do, if I’m not too dissociated to do so. Even my video games are times to share the experience with the divine.
So that’s where I’m at right now. I have four posts partially written, but nothing ready for today. But my guilt-laden explanation seems to have turned into a post. Sometimes what matters is getting behind a keyboard with a blank document before me, and letting my fingers do the talking. Hopefully this wasn’t a tedious read…
Kethesa (KEep The HEart SAcred),
Asra Lokakona
Book Hoard
Pettit, E. (2023). The poetic edda: A dual-language edition. Open Book Publishers.